Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
