The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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