Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
