Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
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Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
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4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
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