If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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