His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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