Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
