Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Operation Purity has been aborted
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize