Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
How does one acquire holy water?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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