The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
