so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
