I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
