people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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