I'm pants shitting drunk right now
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
