my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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