last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
