im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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