My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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