Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
