I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
oh god was she eating orange peels again
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
