Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I love having hate sex.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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