the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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