I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
