I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
