I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
