I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
