"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize
