The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
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At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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