Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
