Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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