How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
