I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
