Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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