I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
