Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
