yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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