he wants to bone in the snuggie
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
