Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
