i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
