my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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