On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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