someone threw a dead crab at me
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
