we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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