mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
