rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
