You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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