"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Church boner. Awkwardddd
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
