yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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