The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I just found puke in my bra..
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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