I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
