I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I enjoy the company of your penis
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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