still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
