You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
