it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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