just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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